Sexologist and psychotherapist talk about the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
Increasing potency or where does "male power" go?
The Internet and television are flooded with advertisements for "miracle" pills and potions that promise to restore "male strength" and get rid of erectile dysfunction. And supply, as we know, is born of demand. What happened - why did the men "break down"? The Internet and social networks have turned out to be "more interesting" than living women? Or maybe the ladies themselves are to blame for the fact that their gentlemen have less and less desire to be men, as well as a desire to fulfill this desire?
These and other questions were answered by a well-known sexologist-psychotherapist.
If a man is not interested in a particular woman and sex life in general, it leads to impotence. . . Is that fair?
- The term "impotence" has been excluded from the world classification of diseases and has been replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". However, the word "impotence" is indeed still common in everyday life. The literal translation means "no strength". For men this is a very important area of life. And if there are failures, then in almost every case, regardless of the maincauses, there is a mental component. Men see only the symptom, the result. And they refer to the loss of an erection or its weakening in the process of sexual intimacy. Of course, as a rule, these complaints are joined by an emotional component. The man may have anxietyand even depression. Whatever women think of men, in fact they all want to be successful not only at work but also in their personal lives.
There is a lot of talk now about impotence "rejuvenation". That's right?
- I have 16 years of experience in the profession, and I can count not only on statistics, but also on my own observations. Indeed, in the last 10-15 years there may have been a decline in the average age of our patients. More and more young people are attending. At the beginning of my career the average age of patients was 40 years, now it is 35.
When a man "can't and doesn't want to", what is to blame in the first place: physiology, psychology or maybe social factors?
"There's usually no single reason. "When I communicate with a patient, I try to understand his way of life - how are his emotions, does he sleep enough, is there a crisis of middle age? What are his attitudes in the intimate sphere, what is the behavior of the partner? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to seduce, but only requires the performance of "marital duty", is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Often in practice there is a syndrome of anxious anticipation of sexual failure. the man fixates on failure and the next time he is already waiting for her. Sex becomes a test for him. And if a woman voluntarily or involuntarily "pours oil on the fire", sexual neurosis is formed. And the man includes "avoidant behavior". Some clashwith work or alcohol. Some - unknowingly provoke quarrels with his wife, so that the idea of intimacy seems absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different ways instead of going to the doctor. And aggravate the problem and the relationship with a partner, wife. And not far offSome go to a urologist due to illiteracy, but it is necessary to see a sexologist.
Not "can" or "no"?Women are often tormented by one question: which is more important - "can not" or "does not want"?
- As they say, one does not interfere with the other - you can "do not want" and "can not" at the same time. But it is important to remember that an erection is above all a clear indicator of "I want" and not "I can". But even this "desire" is not unlimited. Much depends on the sexual constitution, that is, on the temperament of the man.
Is it true that men themselves often do not notice the problem or even accuse the woman of asking "too much" from him?
- You can demand compliments and eroticism from a man - for example, kisses, gentle strokes. And an erection does not obey the will. Neither the will of the woman nor the will of the man. As soon as the word or thought "should" appears, this is the beginning of the road to a dead end.
There is more and more talk about the impact of stress on modern man - is it really so terrible for the intimate sphere?
- Of course. Nature is against conceiving in a stressful situation. And reduces the degree of attraction through hormonal mechanisms. Stress levels increase - the level of the anti-stress hormone prolactin increases, which in turn suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire in both men and women. As a result, there is a de-actualization of the sexual sphere.
The main woman is a mother.It is said that a man's ability to be a "man" depends on his upbringing and what kind of relationship he has with his mother - is that true?
"Undoubtedly! "The first female prototype for a boy was a mother. It is she who lays the foundation of the relationship with the opposite sex. Every woman who wants happiness for her child, especially a boy, should breastfeed him for at least the first year after birth. It is during this period that a positive and negative, open or cautious attitude towards women is formed. Mom is first and foremost a woman. And if the family is not complete and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, then the child will see neither female nor male behavior as a result. . . As a result, his experience of communicating with the opposite sex may be negative. And this is a direct path to isolation, disappointment. . . Moreover, isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can change his partners indefinitely, being left alone. In sexology, this is called promiscuity, that is, promiscuity without the ability to establish deep emotional relationships. Therefore, if one dreams of creating a strong and happy family, these situations require in-depth study.
What are the most common mistakes made by mothers raising boys?
- The boy must see an example of male behavior. If not in the family, then in the sports section. After all, there are uncles, grandfathers. But ideally, of course, there should be a father whom the boy's mother loves. Excessive guardianship, pressure, dictation are dangerous. They are fraught with the appearance of infantile and feminine behavior in a teenager.
Get married - just for love! Some women are obsessed with their appearance and do everything to please their husbands. And some stop taking care of themselves, focusing entirely on the family, on the children. Maybe a woman in general behaves so "wrongly" that her husband simply loses interest in intimate life?
- Much depends on the woman in both positive and negative terms. For example, you can appear in front of your husband in untidy clothes, reproach him in case of sexual failure (although, if you think about it, this is not his failure, but hers), not to support him, but to humiliate and "you finish off "with words and all your behavior and here's the result: he wants nothing! That's why I keep telling young women who come to see me: " Marry for love, respect your husband, praise him - and he will move mountainsfor you! Tidy appearance, good physical shape, perfume, maintenance are always a plus. But the panic mania of some women of their appearance is already a problem for a woman's self-esteem and her relationships with others. on the other only from their bodies, this is a "castrated" version of human love. There must be a desire of the souls, people must be interested together not only in bed but also outside it.
These "terrible" businesswomen. Does it happen that a socially successful woman does not attract, but scares the man? After all, where did the armies of beautiful, smart and successful women who suffer from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
- This is not about success, but about patterns of behavior. If a woman in a competitive environment begins to use male patterns of behavior - for example, she becomes emphatic, rude and this is sometimes required in a competitive environment, then male or, more simply, "brave" men do not like it. Feminine - more "feminine" (these are the so-called "sisi"), such a model may seem attractive, as they are accustomed to obey.
Take care of men! If a woman is ready to fight for her husband, for family happiness, how should she behave when her husband has problems in bed?
At the very least, you should let him sleep. Absolutely stop any criticism - even one that a woman finds constructive. Ask forgiveness for past mistakes. To express that he does not need sex for at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And against this background - daily relaxing massages with oils. And you have to do them one by one. If against this background there is no positive dynamics, you should definitely go to a sexologist, who can find both medical and hidden psychological reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the man that there will be no search for "guilty" and "sick" at the reception. Doctor's appointments are necessary to improve the quality of your sex life - and it's possible!
Is there an example from your practice where a woman has helped a man gain faith in himself - in every sense?
"I'll tell you about the wife of my recent patient. "Her behavior is amazing! I was approached by an entrepreneur who has suffered greatly in the new economic conditions. Many problems fell on him and against the background of stress began to reduce the attraction to his wife. But most of all, she worried about telling her that she might soon lose her business completely and that they would run out of money and big debts. . . But his wife was accustomed to a high standard of living. . . I advised her to tell her everything she had. If not a close person, then who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition did not let me down. At the next appointment, the patient said that his wife had listened to him and said: "Nothing, if this happens, I will also go to work. Anyway, I fell in love with you when you were a poor student. I love you now and I will always love you no matter what happens. Only from these words did the man have strength, the panic passed and his deeds improved - in every sense. At the last meeting he told me: "I will never leave my wife - I will remember this day for the rest of my life! "I think this woman deserves his love. And I'm calm about their relationship. I want people to love each other more, to appreciate, respect, support. And that these are not words but deeds.